***Omo, Dem dey Jollof for here!!!

I sent one of my boys an invite to attend my graduation last year. He applied for a visa, he got refused with a flimsy excuse. When i went to naija I wrote the appeal letter for him and accused the entry officer of everything short of the genocide in Rwanda. Still some kolo at the appeal tribunal threw his appeal out, and bragged that he didnt even look at it. But in the end, someone sent an email from the home office advising him to go submit his passport at the high commission...the rest as they say is now history.

Ok, dude makes the odd 6 hr flight down here, and I happily picked him up from the airport. From there I took him to a Chinese restaurant cause I felt he needed to eat.

At the buffet, Omo boy was just codedly looking around, assimilating the environment..he kept stealing glances at my Oyibo girlfriend and winking at me....to him I was chopping life. He then asked for my phone, that he wanted to text awon boyz in Gidi and tell dem he had landed. I gave him happily...and this went on back and forth between jand and Las Gidi

My friend: Eyin temi, I don arrive O...we thank God, finally I don dey mama charley land. *send*

Awon boys: Adupe o, omo boy u sef don turn big boy be that o, shebi ur first moto go land naija in about 1 month abi?..lol *send*

My friend: me big boy?..una need to come see OmoIbadan, dude na Oba for here mehn..if una see him white babe una go faint..we even dey chinko restaurant for here..see chinko babes with big yansh everywhere...*send*

Awon boys: Tony don faint O!....omo chinko wit big yansh...we don die..abeg flow us gist ogbeni..

My friend: na only dat one...omo this place must be heaven, see the roads as dem te'e, the air na constant amana..I don dey even yellow dey come...chei if us ee phones ehn, OmoIbadan phone na fire..una go just passout if un get this kind for that side, awon babes go just dey follow una like kokoro...*send*

Awon boys: Abeg my guy send me picture of that phone...I go fit take am razzle some babe say na my phone wey my paddy don already send bu DHL, I go don do papambe wit am finish before she know say na just pikture....*send*

My friend: Olorun Oba!!!...see this white babe wey just pass me...fresh like eja koteh..men oyobo gurls fine mehn....see boobs!!!...*send*

Awon boys: koni da fun awon to wa ni embasi...that guy wey refuse me visa 3 times in a row, ara loma shon pa the werey..kai, i want oyibo babe too now..Jesu gbo adura mi...I go apply again, if dem refuse me again ehn, na shango i go just kuku go give the visa money to make e kuku fire dem wit thunda...*send*

My friend: lol...take e easy...God's time is the best...no be my 3 rd passport and 6th refusal be this one..no be God use Omoibadan take help me...dem give me 6 months, i dey laff for my mind..awon...oloshi, 6 years I still dey this town, koni ragba fun wan.....*send*

Awon boys: help me beg Omoibadan now, make im help me too, jo nitori oloun....*send*

My friend: I go talk to am later, U know say im no too like ur ways, but I go tell am...but i need return fone now sha, im don dey complain about credit...ehen..im say we dey go watch Man U 2moro...omo make una watch out for me for DSTV, I go run enter pitch go hug C. Ronaldo....*send*

Awon boys: sha ma je gbogbo aye...remember to buy me, Tony, Kassim, and Morufu aka Murphy Arsenal jersey O..Gunners for life!!..*send*

My friend: ok, make I first work first now.....help me go tell my mama say i don land o...I go call house later....*send*


***Fiction.

Jesu wa ni beer!!!

I know some xtian sisters will be wondering what on earth is that title supposed to be about....lol...well that was some of the crazy sh!t the neighbourhood I grew up in used to so kindly throw into the air for us.

I remember my growing days in Ibadan, I remember that CAC church, just a house away from ours, built with planks and fenced with corrugated iron sheets (I think they eventually built one in concrete). The choir had for musical instruments, kongas, sakara (that tambourine-like drum),and agogos (bells). We the kids of the street had the doors always open to us cos they encouraged us to feed our curiosity and maybe become members of the choir/congregation.

Evening services normally began at 5pm, and to announce that, some dude in the church goes on the microphone (sorry, I forgot to mention they had mics too) and screamed repeatedly "Jesu wan bi ah!, baba wan bi ah!". To my young ears that sounded like "Jesu wa ni beer!, Baba wa ni beer!". How can the same people that normally banged it into our ears that drinking would make us go to hell be the ones allowing this guy to also proclaim that Jesu exists inside the larger?
lol..took me quite some time to finally realize it wasn't "beer" that the guy was saying, but then it was already imprinted in my head "Jesu wa ni beer!, baba wa ni beer!"....those where the days men, when I had no worries in life, play, play, and play....

My Music Man 2

Ok, peoples, this is the real deal...yes O I don enter music exec business...I be A&R now...lol...ok check this out..

Heavy something-The Mixtape

My Music man

I am a well known sucker for everything Naija..even tho the news from home isnt some stuff that's elating, but then we don't need to be down shebi we are the happiest people on earth...lol, anyway, as I was saying before i rudely interrupted myself, Naija hip-hop gives me most of the joy I crave (notice I didnt say ALL), and who better to give it to me than my main man, DJ MightyMike, ATL's sleekest behind the wheels of stainless steel...lemme give you a quick lick of what he is capable of throwing down...this is just mini..



Playlist
1.CHINWE IKE FT. 2FACE - ESTHER (OF RESONANCE)
2.GUNNERS FOR LIFE - DURELLA
3.BOOTY CALL - WANDE COAL,D'BANJ, DON JAZZY
4.WICKED GRINGORY - BRICK &LACE, DJ STRAMBORELLA
5.ATIDE - AYUBA/BANKY W.
6.AFRICA SING - 3RD WORLD KOMMISSION FT. SAUCE KID
7.IN CASE YOU NEVER KNOW - 2 SHOTZ FT. TIMAYA
8.AKALAWU - EMECX DADDY
9.SAME NI- DJ ZEEZ
10.IBO BOY - ILLBLISS
11.SHAKY UNA BODY - DAT NIGGA RAW
12.AHOMKA (RMX) - VIP
13.ROCK THIS DANCE - DANNY YOUNG
14.HOW WE DO - LEXXY DO
15.IMAGINE DAT (RMX) - STYL PLUS

Download it here
Watch out for the Real Mixtape, March 28th. Watch this space.
Peace out!!.

Tales from Naija 2

Ok, lets continue with the gist....

Naija peeps are like the funniest set of beings anyone will ever meet. Little wonder they say we are the happiest people on earth. Shey u know, Schipol is like a melting pot for travelers who travel by KLM, from North America, UK, and Ireland. Airlines normally allow 2 pieces of luggage and a hand luggage...well...not so for my country people, it was xmas and they needed to ship all the gains of their sojourn abroad back to base. Some people's hand luggage was bigger than both my stowaway luggage combined. I don't blame them, shebi, as long as you can drag the luggage along with your hand then it becomes "hand luggage".
The flight was delayed because KLM knew there wont be space for humans to sit if all that "hand luggage" was allowed into the cabin. They had to bring in a trolley to take most of them and load in the cargo hull. Even after that was done the inside a crowded molue had more space than the inside of this 747. Before I got to my seat a woman who had her seat way in front had put her luggage in my own space...I almost dragged the thing down from there..and maybe fling it out of the window. What nonsense..I had to call in one of the air hostesses who was already looking harassed. Well at the end, I had to accomodate my Naija "sister" who as usual had gone on a begging spree, invoking Osanobua and Atererekariaye.

That trip was very uncomfortable for like the first 3 hours...kids screaming, people talking so loud. The queue at the toilets were at some times so long I began to wonder if there was a drinking competition going on somewhere on the plane.

We got to MMA, had one of the smoothest landings I have experienced in all my travels which was accompanied by a scream of "praise the lord" followed by a thunderous halleluyah!!!..anyway, I was back home after a while out..I was as happy as a clam.

Ok, open the exits now....for where, the captain announced that they where trying to restore power to the motorized stairway..THIS IS NIGERIA!!! surely I didnt miss my way. Ten minutes, we still waited. The air conditioner on the plane had already been switched off, and the heat that was growing in there was becoming unbearable. I think this got some people irritable..before I could say Mungo Park, a big fight had broken out, a guy who had been speaking yankee phonee all along and and another guy who had been speaking in a funny accent of English mixed with heavy Igbo (all this Ireland based Nigerians sef)had pulled their shirts and where threatning to kill each other...Oma ga o.

Eventually we got off and headed into the arrival hall arrival, I had relations who were airport officials, so they practically met me as i got off the plane...though it was hot, I was so happy to see them. I began to peel off all the big stuff I wore..make heat no go kill pesin as im land house. I was hoping the arrival hall would give me some respite, shebi AC will be pumping at that joint. For where!!!!..one of the immigration officers was telling us it broke down yesterday..ah!!!! which kain airport be this? Ok...I sha cleared immiga and headed to pick my luggage. Walahi talahi, MMA isnt an airport, see the crowd around the carousel, in the hall, at the door...most of these people had no business in there..boys in bathroom slippers, sitting on the pavements outside...hailing you "bros welkumu O"..trying to hustle your bag, alabaru at the airport too?..lol!..see, this isnt an airport jo, may be a plane terminal, just like the ones they have for danfos. I still wonder how come they say its international....from JFK, to Gatwick...I have never seen any like MMA..Naija I bow. But I was very happy to be back home..felt real good,felt really really good.

Tales from naija.....

Let me start by saying sorry....to everyone who has visited hoping to jam some fresh stuff, only to get here and meet the same old boring ish....EMA BINU!, I am suffering from a relapse of writer's block...It comes and goes, I have tried agbo, I have tried fasting..no way. I think its chronic. But I go survive sha.

Yes O, happy new year to all my friends, my friends'friends, and their friends. This year for sure is going to be that year that we will do big big things, lagbara edumare!.

Ok, let me bring you guys up to speed on happenings to your boi so far. Yes o, I went to naija!!!...mehn, i didnt feel like coming back. Naija dey bubble anyhow mehn.

Na wah for naija police O, those people will never change. Not like I was expecting them to sha. Imagine, I was going to see my aunt at Ikeja one day like that before xmas. I remember I have driven through that road before, so I knew the kind it was, and as a precaution I poked my head out of the window to be sure there wasn't any sign to warn me of danger. I just drove on into the street. Immediately, 2 rag tag olopa jumped out of a paraga kiosk by the side of the road, Park!, park!. I am like, sh*t, these idiots don set me up. They had declared that road 1-way for that day. But no wahala, no be NPF?...na money go end am, and as a returnee jand guy my pocket was well laced with the cool stuff (I am still paying up all my igbese now sha). One of them comes over, asks for my driver's license. I hand it over. He then walks back to another unfortunate guy like me on the other side of the road.Dude was bargaining..I was seeing $1 bills. Damn, the police man knew the exchange rate for dollar as of that day, and was doing his bargaining as per exchange rate. After cleaning out the guy he flagged him on and came for me.
"Oya go turn, if you like make you run"...I did as he said, turned and came back
Inside me I was just fuming, when will naija police rise above this BS.
"ya particulars my fren"
I hand over the particulars. "Ah!, offence nomba 2, expired papers, oya enter moto, straight to station"

Ok, I was driving a friend's car, so I didnt even know the state the papers were in and I didnt couldn't begin to check papers, it would look like "no be you get moto?, abi u thief am ni" when the popo called them expired(I found out later that all the papers where valid and up to date,that olopa was bent on getting that kishi).

As we drove on, I just told him, look here oga, wetin u want?....I no get time to burn, just tell me wetin u want". He told me my offense was too big for him to even begin to think of anything to ask me (I kill person?), he then began to read out the offenses and the cost, Driving on a one way road-25000 naira, Psychiatric analysis-8000 naira...I am like psychiatric analysis ke?..I rezembu crase?
"Oga tell me how much U go pay because if we enter station you know how much sha"
"Ok I go give you 1000, na the only money wey dey my hand, and na my aunty i bin wan go give" I pleaded with him.
"1000!!!!, God forbid!! lailai!!.big boy wey get moto like you..see that other man wey I catch, im own na small offense, and u see how much wey im pay, oga 1000 no go reach, better talk beta we don dey near station O"
I was thinking, which kain eff up be this, and we were right at the gates of Ikeja Police station.
"Ok OC, I go give you £5 extra"

The twinkle in the fools eyes would have lit the whole of the christmas lights on Union Street. "Oya where the money...U go turn now go back go pass the one way, I go escort you so dem no go stop you again" I skillfully dipped my hand in my back pocket and carefully brought a 1000 naira note, taking care that the rest of the money didn't fall out with it (I had like 30K in that pocket), and gave it to him.
"Oya what of the paun?"
I had a £5 scottish in my wallet, no aboki will change that sh*t for him, even if they do, na rubbish changing dem go do for am, he might not get more than 200 naira for it. I gave it to the thief.
"How much be this if i change am?"...I told him 2500....dude was grinning from ear to ear, im don hammer today. I now began to taunt him, i knew the money wont let him get angry...
"shebi u go go house now give madam like 1k5, tell am make e go buy bokoto and abodi, make him cook you better egusi, say u the man of the house don go hunt kill elephant abi"
"No o, we dey give DPO 1500 return everyday....na small thing go touch me"
I am like damn, police station now na NURTW office, where DPO na chairman dey collect owo booking. Na wah o. All this time we had gone back on that same 1 way road, and my olopa had his head out of the window waving to the others who wanted to stop me, telling them I was a correct guy.

I almost succumbed to the temptation to slam the brakes and let him fly out of the window.....As he came down, I left him with a parting shot "for your mind you don hammer abi" Dude just looked at me, smiled and proceeded immediately to flag down the next prey, the day at the office had been nice for him.

To be continued.......

Another Blast From The Past

The post I am quoting below was the my first ever blogpost, ever. It was like my memoir when I landed in Britain, I am bringing it back to commemorate the achievement of my reason here (Pictures will come in a future post). I hope it makes good reading sha. And may I add, this is going to be my last "blast from the past". Eshe adupe.

My Scottish Memoir

I have spent two weeks in Aberdeen already and I think I qualify to be called an Aberdonian now. The difference between here and where I come from is as obvious as Michael Jackson being black (lol!). My first encounter was with the cold, jeez my nose is still wet 14 days after I hit the ground, though am progressively shedding my thick layer of mostly woollen materials, I have to wear upto 4 at a time atimes, the fear of freezing to death having forced me to research the Eskimo manuals. I hear I should start learning to leave my head open, I mean without the warmer...Ok I hear, they say winter will really bring the African out of me. Alarmists oshi................I sure wont get iced and get shipped back home in a container......tufia.......na my leg I take land and na that same leg I go take kawa (this time wrapped in very nice Oxford brogues!!!...yep).


Now to the Aberdonians themselves....these people can drink o!!!!!!!They wake up drunk, go to work drunk, and end up in bed drunk, the fish is feeling threatened already. Drinking is a national religion in Scotland, if you don't drink surely you will end up in hell!


A father's 16th birthday gift to his anxious son is a pack of carmel...........yes cigarette...they start smoking from infancy so that by the time they are like 30 they must have won several gold medals in smoking for Scotland..how nice, I even heard a gist of a guy getting brushed because he replied some urchins who begged him for a spare fag by saying he doesn't smoke...oh so since u don't smoke then you don't deserve to have a smooth face.


Scottish girls are hot!...most of them sha, because I have seen some very worwor breed. This girls have some of the best bosoms I have seen since I started using glasses.......geez even grandmothers have eye popping cleavage here....don't get me wrong, am just saying. And the thing is there is so much sex going on here and they are loving it..wow. They throng the clubs and the pubs in search of men...especially black dudes....have you heard of this?”when you go black, you can't go back”...so you see.......


As at the time of typing this schools have closed (they close 12:45 on Fridays)so they can get a head start at preparing for the clubs tonight, their parents will join them later, Friday nights are uber rowdy, drinking, gbenshing, and a whole lot of noise...wow, police work triple time weekends, the drinking going on till Sunday night when half of the city would have passed out, if God wants to save them by finding only 10 sober men I tell you Sodom and Gomorrah will stand a better chance at redemption.

For now i think that's it....until maybe stuff happens to me and i need to do a second memoir